A Declaration

It was a big day for me today. I talked to my pre-law advisor and she helped me solidify my ultimate goal of practicing law and going to law school. She told me promising news--that I could get into law school with my grades and with a good score on the LSAT and told me not to worry. She also told me to look into a different major called "University Studies" which would allow me to become more well rounded in my education by having a concentration in Business Administration with two minors in Biology and Psychology. This is what I have been wanting all along. There was bittersweet news to this change of major news, however. I missed the cut-off date to schedule an appointment with an advisor and have only one shot of applying before I have too many hours. Despite all that, the reassurance that the advisor gave me today about getting into law school was probably the most promising thing I have heard at college ever. I will be applying for Law School in the Fall of 2012.

In the context of the Lord, however, I cannot forget that despite the trials and tribulations that I have encountered in my life and will probably encounter down the road, God has and will always be with me every step of the way. Deciding a career path is one of the most crucial decisions of my life, and while I do have to make the decision on my own, I am comforted that I am surrounded by so many people in my life who will support me no matter what. The most important figure, my rock and my shepherd, is the Lord. It amazes me that he already has plans in store for me, yet I still do not know what they are. I know that as long as I have faith and don't doubt him, everything will work out; the challenge is keeping the faith when you feel like you are being slapped in face with every bold move.

I know for a fact that all of this stress, along with many other things, has led me to live a life that is not healthy because I tend to be consumed with anxiety and doubt. I come off as confident and can write in a confident fashion, but deep down I doubt people, I doubt myself, and I am overcome by anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a Type A personality, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am constantly feeling like I am walking on eggshells with many of my relationships. I want to be able to let loose and worry about little things like the lack of a smiley face in a text message, or not replying back to a message after just a couple of hours, or analyzing how someone might feel about me based purely on assumption. The beautiful thing is that with the Lord, he will never make me feel anxious to approach him. Yes, it does kind of suck to admit when you have made mistakes, but never once have I felt I had to be superficial with Him. What I want is for the Lord to help relieve me of my anxiety and help me to understand the good that people have so I can stop doubting and judging without a basis. I am a good person and I am improving myself. I wish I had the confidence in myself to believe that people like me for that reason.

Today's gospel is Matthew 7:1-5. In the gospel, Jesus tell his disciples not to judge others because you will be judged equally in return. He also tells them not to scrutinize others for the little things, but rather focus on improving yourself so as to avoid being hypocritical.

This gospel applies to my everyday life. I must reflect on myself and own up to my flaws and fix them before I judge others and try and fix other people. I believe this goes along with my anxiety issue. If I focus more on my relationship with the Lord, he will help me improve myself. I will grow closer to Him and he will lead me down to brighter pastures. He will pick me up when I'm weak, and stand beside me the whole journey. I must be blind to the small flaws of others, and must accept people for who they are. I need to channel negative energy into something positive: I need to pray, I need to connect more with the Lord so I know what to do, and I need to sit down and just breathe. I need to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has its own troubles.

I need to trust in the Lord in everything I do and live life as it comes at me. And that is exactly how I'll try and live my life from now on.

Love,
Nicole

The Start of Something Good

I'm about to embark on a journey down the road most traveled yet perhaps not the most maintained of  paths--following the footsteps of the Lord. I've been a Catholic my whole nineteen years of life,  but as with anything, there is always room for improvement. I want to understand. I do not want to just "go through the motions" so to speak, of being a Christian and being a Catholic. Don't get me wrong, I'm strong in my faith: I've taught Sunday school in high school for two consecutive years, and I go to church every Sunday, holy days, and on occasion attend Daily Mass. My freshman year of college, I prayed the Divine Mercy every Tuesday on a campus hill outside my dorm with my friends at 10 at night. However, there is still so much I have yet to learn. I feel that if I am going to be particular and say I want to marry someone who is also a Catholic, I need to have a greater understanding of what exactly it is I practice.

 The goal of this blog is to improve my relationship with the Lord and make it my longest and most meaningful of all relationships. I hope that through this I can gain a greater understanding and appreciation of God's love and of Catholicism. I want to have a sort of "epiphany" of my faith and if I'm lucky, maybe understand what my calling here on earth is in both a personal and professional-career sense. I'm young. I'm blessed. This is the time of my life.

Today (technically yesterday, but I'm a night owl, what can I say?) was the Most Holy Trinity. In a nutshell, the priest spoke about how it is complicated to define God since he is a loving father, a faithful son, and a life-giving spirit. He basically said, get to know the Lord and that will do, but know him for who He is. Ultimately He is everything. The priest then went onto say that as humans, we tend to mask who we really are when we interact with others by being superficial. The standard "I'm fine, how are you?" conversation in passing and the Facebook hype is a reflection of how we tend to live our lives--"on the go".  We simply cannot have this relationship with the Father, who knows more about us than we'd like to admit. 

To be honest, I'm not the best at communicating with God. I myself am a self proclaimed "on the go" person. Rarely do I have time to sit and reflect on my religion since I am typically so wrapped up in memorizing reactions for organic chemistry, making flashcards for genetics, preparing for my organization's next meeting, or hanging out with friends. By the end of the day (which really is around 2 or 3 AM on a normal day), I am exhausted; and the next day begins at 8 AM. Rinse and Repeat.  In prayer, I would like to start saying more to the Lord than "Please make all my worries go away" or "Please fix whatever it is that needs fixing (like my GPA etc.)" as I start to dose off before I can finish the sign of the cross. I would like to have more frequent and meaningful prayers. I would like to keep God in my mind all the time and not utilize his love as if he is a genie in a bottle, only beckoning him as needed. If I'm going to be following the Lord's footsteps, I need to do so in a more sincere fashion. It's so cliche to say that actions speak louder than words, but truly they do. Prayer is such a vital way of connecting with the Lord and is best way to get to know Him. With prayer I can be rest assured that the rest of the puzzle pieces of my life should fall into place and everything will work out, at His will, in time.  

So I leave you with a passage from today's mass, one that should be familiar to many. 

"God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not be lost but may have eternal life. For God sent his Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but so that through him the world might be saved. No one who believes in him will be condemned but whoever refuses to believe in him is condemned already, because he has refused to believe in the name of God's only Son" John 3:16-18

God sacrificed his only Son for our sake. Jesus shed blood and died on the cross so that we could be saved. The holy spirit dwells in our hearts every day, like a light, guiding us towards what is right and good and protecting us from evil. This is the Holy Trinity and with faith, even as small as a mustard seed, we have a chance of eternal life and peace. 

This is the season of Pentecost. It is time for me to wake up and revitalize my faith and not let my praying knees get lazy. It is time for me to know the Lord. 

  

Love,  

Nicole